Time to SHOUT!!!

A good day-I do get those and praise God for them!

Sometimes the aches are so bad you can barely move.

Wouldn't normally post a picture of this...but I think it is important for people to see some of the effects. Some days you look normal...perfectly healthy...but other days you can wake up with random swollen lips hives covering you from head to toe! Jennifer Garner has nothing on my lips! :) Also notice the butterfly rash across my cheeks-that is the symbol of Lupus...a butterfly.

Well today I am having a rough day...most people say you shouldn't write things when you are having a bad day but I beg to differ. It seems to give me some comfort when I write...and I always find there are others that can relate to brutal honesty. It is a way to get the feelings/emotions out of my head and be able to understand it. So I will be very vulnerable and write this in hopes that you that are in my life will read this with an open heart and even though I might sound harsh-I really just need to vent! I also pray that this will find someone else out there that might be dealing with a diagnosis or disease of Lupus. I have yet to actually speak to someone else with this...and am feeling a little alone-only so much doctor jargon and medical terms I can take before I scream "can I just hear from someone who has it"?

In the words of Beth Moore...sometimes you just need to have a "Holy Fit". We are allowed to ask God why...He knows when we hurt. He knows our inner most feelings and thoughts. So here we go...here are my thoughts...raw and honest. I am mad! I am going through the emotions...first scared then relieved to know what is causing all my symptoms...then scared again as every day is a new symptom and I wake up wondering what my day will be like-good or bad.

But for the most part now I am mad and I am mourning. I am mourning my get up and go person I used to be-now I am fortunate to be able to make it through the day without needing a nap. I am mourning the fact that I may have to hold off on my dreams of helping to develop an event ministry within the international office...as fast as I would have liked. I am sad that I may not be able to go to any of the conferences this summer and see what all we are doing out there in the world.

I feel old...oh and the wonderful side effects of the medication I am on have made me gain almost 10 pounds! So I have one pair of jeans that I bought in the States that were my "big" jeans...girls you can relate...and now they are about to be too tight! So yeah...feeling like a blob...not useful...and disappointed... is an understatement. (Wait-wouldn't someone love for me to feel this way about myself?-we'll touch back on this in a minute).

And although I am so thankful for prayers from everyone...opinions are another story. Everyone seems to know why I got this and how I can get rid of this. "If you just would take care of yourself more-eat better...exercise more". "If you wouldn't drink so many diet cokes-because of the appertain." "If you would just not stress so much.""You need to focus on getting yourself better." "If you....If you...If you...". I am sick to death of it. The last I checked there is no known cause for Lupus and there is no known cure. But yet I am feeling like there is a slight judgement call by some that I have done something to my body to cause this and that if I try really hard-I will get better. Here is a painful thing for me to say...but it is reality...I may NEVER get any better than what I am right now. Does this frustrate me-absolutely. Do I feel good about it-are you crazy? Am I a little cynical right now-yes...sorry about that...but warned you at the beginning (just need to vent). :)

Okay...whew...probably never heard that side of me come out...but I sure do feel better. In the words of my Pastor "are ya'll alright"??? :) Okay...now that I am calmed down-let me speak truth into my own situation. Sometimes it takes time for our feelings to catch up to God's truth. The truth is God loves me so much. He chose for me to go through this right now-away from everything and everyone that is familiar. He even gave me an amazing helpmate to get through this. Can I just say how thankful I am for him-J is such a blessing, so caring...so helpful...so right there with me in the thick and thin of it. I love you J!

The other truth? God has a good plan for our lives-a good plan! We have a hope and a future. Does it mean that it will be what we think it will be like...our lives in the future? Does it mean that there will never be pain-nope. But I am standing right now and shouting at the top of my lungs (envision crazy girl standing in her living room on the footstool)...saying "I WILL BELIEVE!!!!!!!"

Also another scream for "GET BEHIND ME SATAN-I AM GOOD ENOUGH AND GOD DOES WANT TO USE ME AND I AM BEAUTIFUL-HIS UNIQUE CREATION!!!!"

Can I get an amen? Now...you don't have to have Lupus to shout it out girls...you may have your own form of Lupus in your life. Maybe its insecurities...maybe you feel less than pretty. Maybe you wonder how and when God is going to use you...and find yourself asking lately "God have you forgot about me down here?" Maybe you are like me and just need a boost of truth shot into that arm. Well lets do it together-shout it out today...somewhere...whatever you want to shout out! It does make you feel good...even if my neighbors now think I am crazy! :)

Love you all and thank you for listening to my ramblings...oh and if you know of anyone with Lupus...please send them this...I sure would love to hear from them. :)

PS...cute video I found on Tangle...it was actually sent to me right after I wrote this...randomly. Wouldn't you just love to shout like this too!?!?!

http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=5a4115750ed4fb8dd231