As a young child I loved to “plan” things. I can remember getting ready to go on vacation with my family and insisting on taking a little extra time in packing my Barbie’s so that I could plan a perfect vacation for them as well. I would think about what parties they would need to attend, what they would need to cook, wear, drive (a convertible of course if we were going to the beach). Needless to say I about drove my mom and everyone else nuts…but still I remember just feeling I had to plan things out for my faithful friends….and worked and worked until I had a box packed up and ready to go for our trip.
I also remember as a young girl watching my mom plan and coordinate the local high school’s prom each year. She was the home economics teacher of the school and was very skilled at what she did. I would sit in amazement as she picked out the decorations based on the theme, planned the menu, and coordinate teams to execute with precision how to make it all happen. She was delegating left and right and people were well prepared and excited to do what they were doing. Every person had a little part to do which meant they could handle it and not be too burdened. At the end of the day with everyone doing their little part…the “big part” was done and there stood a room decorated from floor to ceiling with the most sparkling beautiful things you would ever see….it sent a rush through my body. I remember just sitting on the floor looking around and thinking…I want to do this one day!
Fast forward twenty-five years later…I am now an accomplished Event planner with many events under my belt. I have worked for major corporations in the States where I had half-million dollar budgets to plan with at my fingertips. Shortly after becoming a believer at age 28, I moved from the cooperate world to Ministry. It was a new world for me…but just the same I transferred “my knowledge” of how to plan events right on over…but in the beginning really sought God’s wisdom and relied on Him…and things were happening in a big way. I was part of major Christian conferences and concerts that touched thousands around the world…I was sought after by many Christian organizations to plan their events as well.
I remember even being so excited to use my skills that I surrendered to full time mission work…thinking “there are many skilled people here in the States that can do what I do for Him here…but not so many over seas. That is where I can serve Him best”. It was the beginning of my downfall. Not the part about going into missions…I know that was in deed a calling in my life…but the part about “what I could do for Him”.
You see by this time…I thought I knew it all…and did know quite a bit by industry standards. I still felt the rush of calling together those productions meetings and delegating all the little things to people… and them walking away feeling pumped and equipped that they could do their part. I had learned well from my mama. I also loved the excitement of what I referred to as “game day”…the day the event was actually happening. The adrenaline would rush through my body as I made sure every detail was in place and was there for any last minute “oops” that would come my way…batting it away like an annoying fly as I came up with a solution. I was in my element.
But things started to fall apart…sitting in a bedroom all alone in a foreign country…I was miserable. Now there were some other factors or arrows I like to call them…that the enemy threw in and opened up the crack in the door and let himself in. Although it was a sweet pioneering ministry I was part of overseas, it lacked on many areas of accountability, resources, ability to put people in an area God gifted them over just putting a body in a position because it needed to get done…and rest…there just wasn’t enough people to do the work…which we kept generating. Notice I said “we”…and I mean “me” as the chief culprit a lot of the times. Now I am not blaming this ministry…I take my own responsibility…but it paints a picture of the door that was open for the enemy to do his work and set his bait traps…which I of course took!
Many pioneering ministries strive to get out there and become a known resource to the public…they tend to have many activities. I love how one person put it. “You can do many things good or a few things great”. We were doing many things…and much of the time, for me at least…in my own strength. So needless to say…burnout was a town I was about to drive through and did. By the end of my first year in this ministry, I was wanting out all together, bruised and battered…leery of anyone who had “another great idea for something big for God”. I was done…and ready to pack up my planning tools.
But God through His grace did not let me fall flat on my face…yet. I did have a wonderful surprise as I did meet the man I would marry at one of these conferences. To this day he is such a helpmate and good gage of the “Mary is doing this in her own strength” reader. I thank God for this gift…it was and is a good gift from Him! But once again…I thought…okay…now we are getting married…and since we both are in events (J does camera work for events)…I thought surely we can now do MORE for the Lord as we come together. It temporarily gave me a high to want to continue on doing events. And the best part…now I would be doing them for the international office of our ministry (as that is where J was working).
Of course my brain started firing about how I could become a trainer and even equip others to do what I do. I could start a central coordinating team to go and reach out to the other fields within our ministries (over 110 countries). “This will be such a help to everyone it just HAS to be a good plan!”…I thought to myself. Well it all sounded good and exciting at the time…but looking back…I was still in “I” mode…I was making a plan and then asking the Lord to bless it! I remember reading over versus at the time like… To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue. –Proverbs 16:1 and… Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. –Proverbs 19:21 I would always cringe a little inside when I read these versus…as I look back…probably was the Holy Spirit screaming “um did you consult God” or “watch out!”. But never the less…I was back in my room “packing up my plans” for future ministry…one that would make my work for Him even bigger than before. It was the beginning of me crawling to the top of a steep set of stairs…in which I would eventually fall down…and God would and did let it happen eventually.
Right after getting married I moved with my new husband to the UK…and started working to develop a new international event-planning ministry. We did everything they say not to do…we had just got married, moved countries, and started a new job…all within a 3 month span. I started feeling tired…not your normal oh I just moved houses…so I am tired…but more the “I can’t get out of bed tired”. My joints and body ached so bad I could not lift my arms at times…literally. I became inadated every morning with hives head to toe and headaches so bad that I could not even open my eyes. Strangely I had similar symptoms three years earlier…during another very busy time in my life…but they subsided after about six months so I never really thought much more about it. But this time it was back with a vengeance. A new symptom but very visible and embarrassing one for me…my hair was falling out and I a bright red and raised rash across my cheeks and nose! Not exactly an ego booster when you are a newly wed and wanting to look your best for your new husband!
So off to the Doctor I went. After many test and doctor visits to specialist…and from past symptoms I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus. This is an autoimmune disease where the antibodies in your body that are there to protect you from bad cells such as germs…are confused for some unknown reason and they attack other healthy cells such as skin, hair, joints, and in some cases even the organs such as your heart, lungs, and kidneys. There is no cure for Lupus, however it is a manageable disease…with use of medication to treat the symptoms only…which meant I would have to be on medicines for potentially the rest of my life. It also requires that you try to eliminate as much stress in your life and rest…even though stress is not the cause for the disease (meaning I did not do this to myself…although some seemed to hint towards this…which you will get by the way when you have any lifelong disease (people knowing how you got it more than you, the doctors, and God… and judging you)…don’t get me started. But stress does seem to escalate it.
So we informed the leaders and after much discussion and prayer we all decided it would be better for me to take a break…a leave of absence to try to heal. Keep in mind there is no cure…but to just try and rest. My final meeting with the bosses I was informed to “stop wiggling” and “be still and Know that He is God”. I was uneasy…as I didn ‘t know how to be still…I had been working for so many years in my own strength. But I was confused. I thought…Lord…didn’t you want me to do this great work for you…and now I can’t even get out of bed to go to work to do anything!
My disease may have had me temporarily side lined…but the bigger battle I was facing was that of learning how to be Still and listening to God. I had many pity parties and went through all the stages of grief…as I was losing so much…my old self…how I could go for days without rest working an event…now I couldn’t even go a day without a long nap. I was grieving the get up and go spontaneous person I once was. I was grieving the reliable person I was to do whatever someone asked…no matter if it was about to kill me. I went through anger…now never blaming God but asking “why”? I went through denial…no this isn’t happening…if I push through the pain…eat this type of diet…do this type of exercise…I should be back on track by this date and ready to continue with my plans.
Finally I ran out of emotions…that is the only way I can describe it. I ran out of desires…I was finally coming to a place of rest…and it took a while…several months…even still learning. But I was coming to the realization that I was doing so much in my own strength…that I wasn’t relying on God nor taking the time to hear from Him as to what it was he wanted Him to do through me. I had put all my eggs in one basket in the ministry world and so much pressure on myself to do big things for God…that He never asked me to do. I was placing the things I could do for Him above just being with Him and resting in Him. I had made my own idol and it was to my own wants and desires…although good…they weren’t God’s ultimate desire for me. I was dying…not of the disease…but of myself.
Suddenly His word starting having new meaning to me…it was if I was visiting an old friend. I started having a heart to read prayer email…something I must admit in my frantic times, I did not do…as I was “too busy”. I took time to pray over the requests…I took the time to contact people just because and let them know I was thinking of them. Before I had very little time for people…and remember getting voicemails which most started off by saying “Mary I know you are extremely busy…but if you could call me back”.
Another scary but freeing thing also happened…I started to lose the desire to plan events. The thought of keeping this special intimate time with just me and God was so overwhelmingly a part of the new me…that I didn’t want anything else to take the place of it. I remember listening to a story of Phil Vischer the creator of Veggie Tales…and how his company had fallen apart after many poor business decisions and ultimately a law suite that sent them into bankruptcy. He said it was bad decision but God also allowed him to see it was his own idols of self-desires to do good for Him that led him there as well. The part that just sent a dagger to my heart was when he said “Until you are ready to do NOTHING for God and rest in your relationship with Him alone...you really aren't ready to do anything for God" I thought…wow…that is where I am. So I knew that healing was on the way...I was in a good place…a place of brokenness where the Maker could fill me again with good things and His desires.
That is where I am today…healing…in more than one way. I don’t know if He will give me back my dreams…not sure if I even want them anymore. All I know is I just want to “be with Him”…wherever that is…whether one day perhaps building that ministry to train others to do events…or just sitting in my home…leading a life of intercessory prayer for others. I am learning a new “Mary” and feel in many ways I am starting over. But I like this Mary…she is more like the Mary in the Bible that sat at Jesus’ feet to listen. See I used to be the “Martha”…busy, busy, busy….too busy to even hear God. Now I know I am in a good place…and I don’t know what the future holds…but that is okay. I am sitting still at the feet of Jesus…I have stopped wiggling…and just listening to the Father.
